20190504

Infertility, Two Miscarriages and Fighting to Trust God -- An honest interview about trusting God when it hurts with Gina Zeidler on The Joyful Mourning Podcast | www.themorning.com/episode031

EPISODE 031

Whether you are walking through infertility, miscarriage, infant loss or you are here because you love someone who is walking through that kind of grief — the truth and wisdom shared in this episode will undoubtedly leave you changed.

Listen in as my friend Gina Zeidler gives the most honest, tender and truth-filled interview. Gina is a wife, a mama, and an amazing photographer — she is also a woman who has walked through years of infertility and two miscarriages. Her honesty about how she has grappled to believe that God is good amidst such pain and loss offers freedom to the woman who is fighting to believe in His goodness today. Her honesty about what she wishes people on the outside knew about infertility and baby loss is tangibly helpful for those who are desperately trying to help a grieving friend. Gina’s vulnerability and candid wise words are filled with such hope that I promise this interview will leave you different — whether its the way you give yourself the freedom to ask for help when you’re hurting or the freedom to talk to God honestly or the freedom to realize, maybe for the first time, that God willbring about healing, that you will have joy again. Gina’s story isn’t wrapped up with a tidy bow and yet she speaks with joy and hope. I am sure that because of this, no matter where you are in this grief journey, this episode is sure to bless you.

DO YOU FEEL ALONE IN YOUR GRIEF?In Gina’s final words to the listeners she encourages women who are grieving to find community. Find women who understand what this pain feels like. Women who can say “I know” and really mean it. Gina talks about how invaluable this kind of support is in the healing process. If you are listening today and you feel alone in your grief, come join our free online community by clicking here.

RESOURCES MENTIONED IN EPISODE 031

Music – Listen to The Morning’s Monthly Playlists
Hebrews Sermon Series by Berean Baptist Church: No Going Back
Hope in the Dark, Craig Groeschel – Book | Week 1 | Week 2 | Week 3
Podcast Episode 005 with Katelyn Alsop
Podcast Episode 006 with Lindsay Ostrom

MEET GINA

Gina Zeidler is a wife to Matt and a momma to Cal. Her many hats include owning her own wedding and lifestyle photography business, encouraging others through her Revelation Wellness Training and staying at home with her son. When not behind a camera or chasing her little guy around, Gina leads with a big heart and there’s nothing she loves more than uplifting women in every season of their life through true authenticity + connection.

You can learn more about Gina over at http://www.ginazeidler.com or follow along via instagram, @ginazeidler.

August 8th, 2018 | Our Second Miscarriage

We were waiting expectant. I think that is why experiencing losing another baby this week at 7.5 weeks, (our second loss in a row) is so deflating. Like getting the air knocked out of your chest x 2 + you remember the exact feeling.
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We were under great controlled care, all things looked great, felt such hope, coming to the Lord with each of our fears and anxieties and replacing it with Trust in Gods plan. Expectancy instead of preparing for pain.
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That’s why we are perplexed this is part of His plan. I am just bummed that losses like this while going through secondary infertility make starting over seem so daunting, deflating. Now we walk forward step by step.
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I just keep coming back to the word expectant. A place I can be because of Jesus. The words of God say “So we are convinced that every detail of our lives is continually woven together to fit into God’s perfect plan of bringing good into our lives, for we are his lovers who have been called to fulfill his designed purpose.” Romans‬ ‭8:28‬ ‭TPT
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‬‬I am fighting to believe this promise and this set of verses “So it is impossible for God to lie for we know that his promise and his vow will never change! 💗💗💗And now we have run into his heart to hide ourselves in his faithfulness. This is where we find his strength and comfort, 💗💗💗 for he empowers us to seize what has already been established ahead of time—an unshakeable hope!” Hebrews‬ ‭6:18‬ ‭TPT‬‬
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So here we stand in another storm. Sad, yet steady clinging to expectancy of the Good even when it feels the opposite. As we run into His heart to hide ourselves in his faithfulness, we are covered by His Grace.

Podcast on Mom Inspired Telling our Story up till May 2017

32: INFERTILITY, MISCARRIAGE, SECONDARY INFERTILITY AND SLEEP DEPRIVATION WITH GINA ZEIDLER

05/23/2017 By Amber Sandberg

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Hey you guys, this week we have Gina Zeidler on the show. Gina bravely walks us through her infertility journey and shares what is is like after a miscarriage and trying for the second time. She chats with us about being sleep deprived for over 2 years and why she will never take sleep for granted again. If you know of someone that is walking this difficult journey, make sure to share this episode with them. Gina wants to share her story so that women don’t feel isolated and all alone during these trying times.

Let’s go the show

GUEST CONTACT INFO:

ginazeidler.com

thefamilyz.com

January 31, 2017 | Perspective

So much of the noise we hear everyday is trying to press our pain points of where we lack. What we don't have yet, what we aren't, what skills, money, body or time that they have and you don't.
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That noise if not intentionally limited or looked at with perspective will drown out the TRUTH of goodness and hope in your life and heart.
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Example. That noise says to focus on only the pain in this photo. To get down and out that missing is a big round 38 week belly. To give up hope on a sweet rainbow baby, as we aren't expecting yet.
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So today instead I'm fighting with HIS truth and recording HIS faithfulness. Then this photo changes. This photo becomes a place of answered prayer, over a child prayed for. Over the blessing of having this precious time together and opportunities to dress alike & jump in puddles in Jan. This photo becomes rejoicing. Then this photo becomes a fire lit for hope.
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So fight with me to create space away from that noise, even if it's plaguing your own thoughts. Make room, put the phone down, breathe deeper. Ask for a eternal perspective, for the Lord to give you new eyes to see your "photo" or slice of life today.
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Clear your hands of its grips placed deep in the anxiety and lack. Then and only then to make room for the peace, love, abundance, joy and hope that has been waiting to take its place.
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Walking with you in this. -G

July 26, 2016 | Our First Miscarriage

We were waiting till next week. There are multiple announcement pictures, a big brother shirt, but we won't need them as last night we found out that we lost the baby. I was 12 weeks this week.
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I bought this swaddle even before we found out, my heart was lead to it. Then we were expecting and felt called early on to celebrate this pregnancy and just stay in the day by day by taking a photo with it. Thanks Kenzie.
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I have so many mixed emotions that I will hope to share in time. Just trying with all my might to hold onto Jesus and not let the lies the enemy is spewing at me about who's fault, (no-ones I know) what I could have done (again I know), and just the heaviness of future anxiety in growing our family in time.
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Truth. I'm sad and disappointed that my fear and worry was "right" but I can claim this.
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That God is bigger than my understanding. Jesus has already won over anxiety. He has won over each arrow that Satan is pressing. Even though I feel like we are in the losing team, that's not truth. The truth is. “But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭15:57‬ ‭NIV‬‬
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So Father, I'm laying down my grip on wanting to understand, to figure out what lesson you have here and just be. Be in the tension of your Grace. For even if it feels not the best. The truth is you cover me under your wings. . .🎶Your praise will ever be on my lips. (Along with all the real on my heart too) and Lord, I rely on you. You're where my help comes from. You never stumble. You never sleep. You stand by my side and lead me to life, for your glory. 🎶

20160104

Looking back on the hardest year of my life

I can't believe that I haven't posted since our sons birth story. To be honest there just wasn't space. But in planning my 2016 Goals, I feel like I still have had to come to terms with the 2014-2015 of our life. I wrote this email to a Lactation Consultant as an overview of what our first 10.5 months looked and I thought it was a great overview. I just have to post here to remember how incredibly hard what we went through was, but that God was faithful even though he was distant during this time. Also to give hope to anyone that might feel alone like I did during this.

Now I know looking back I probably would do things differently, but I can say from the depths of my soul I gave every ounce that I have and did the best I could with what I had, in my clouded and extremely sleep deprived state.

HISTORY | Written May 16th 2015 |

First, I had an extremely challenging 51 hour labor. I still was able to have him vaginally but I was completely out of it for the next 4 days after Cal was born and honestly haven't gotten a full nights rest since last June 2014. As you know we have been working with Teresa and sleep has been a constant completely debilitating part of our parent hood especially motherhood for me.

Anyways rewind to the hospital, I invited many LC's into our room as I have a size 34 MM chest I knew it would be a bit challenging. I noticed a lip tie and the LC confirmed and they clipped it before we went home. My milk didn't come in due to my body's pure exhaustion for 4ish days as I still wasn't sleeping as Cal was screaming constantly hungry. I called the hospital just in distress and the nurse made me promise to go get 2hrs of rest at least and my milk should come in and she was right.

Nursing in the early days was challenging with the size of my breasts and having to hold two hands to get it right. My left boob is quite larger than right and it was tricky, but all reasonably normal figuring it out. Finding a nursing bra was the worst experience ever, over 7 stores, $2500 spend on Amazon to find one that fit (praise the Lord for free returns), I had a custom one made at Nordstroms, still the only one I have that doesn't cause problems. Ooffda!

I am a wedding photographer and had a wedding 4.5 weeks after Cal was born, so introducing a bottle late 2 weeks or early 3 was important except that pumping was super hard for me and was a big stress. I tried and tried, then got the hospital grade pump and different flanges and things were going well. My first big event went well and Cal took bottle and came back to breast easily. We would always feed in a chair or on a couch as side lying didn't work well with him and Cal would never settle co-sleeping. The only one thing at all in those days was that Cal seemed to nurse much better when he was angry, crying. When it was casual it seemed like he never worked hard enough to nurse.

My next wedding back was at able 3.5 months and Cal went on a nursing strike for the next weekish and the only way I could get him to nurse was bouncing on a stability ball fully swaddled and latching on there with a boppy and then I would try my dangdest to move to a chair once he was on. It was so incredibly stressful and hard. This was the first time I realized that he was a different nurser than any of my friends. From here on out I scheduled nothing the day after my weddings or big events to really recalibrate nursing and it took some work, but it was better than that first week. I honestly didn't know what to do and why my baby would refuse that early.

October hits and Cal is starting to wake every 1.5 hours and only taking 27 minute naps during the day, he from birth screamed till the point of being blue in the car and we are extremely exhausted and trying all that we can do to manage the situation. Doctors, sleep coaches, it was incredibly hard getting up 8-16 times a night to feed him. I got my period back this month only 4 months after birth while full breastfeeding, no supplementing. I was also pumping during the morning nap if I got one to build supply.

We went through 2 months of trying to figure this out but failing and just becoming more and more discouraged and sleep deprived than I already was. I was often only getting 30 minutes of sleep at a time. I still don't know how I survived that. My doctor ruled out reflux and wanted to try to put him on formula for a full week (while I pumped) to see if it was something in my milk, but my gut said that Cal would completely stop nursing if we went that route.

On December 13th, I cut out all dairy, soy, wine, eggs, caffeine or chocolate and had already not had gluten or (as I have been gluten free for years.) as we were going to try our first sleep training method and I just couldn't cope unless I knew nothing in his tummy was making the difference. He responded reasonably well right away and we were getting 3-4 hour stretches back that we hadn't had since he was 2-3 months old. I do believe dairy was the big culprits as well as eggs, and soy. The hope was that I would back food as sleep improved. Yet, nothing has impoved completely so honestly I am terrified. To add much back in, for the last 6 months I have eaten the same things and I just feel like until we are done, done then I will feel better about trying food again.

Yet, also around the October time Cal was way too distracted to nurse during the daytime or is awake time. The only way if it was light out I could nurse him was on all fours with my breasts hanging above him or sometimes side lying, but it was incredibly stressful he never would work hard enough and I knew there was milk there as I could hand express. I just went with it and tried my best to hold toys, have necklaces do anything to keep his attention, but his only real great feedings were and still are when he is sleepy.

In January, I decided that pumping after a feeding during his nap was the best choice as it was emotionally hard and just so tough to nurse him during the awake times. He especially wouldn't nurse well 4pm to bedtime. So I was and still am pumping during morning nap and afternoon nap to get enough milk to fill him up. Also, Teresa wanted to make sure we could see/control the amount of milk going in him!

We do see a strong correlation to wakes around my period, and until this month I would see a drastic drop in supply for usually the week before and a 4 days in. We usually see a huge sleep regression around this time waking every hour for a week or so and it just throws off everything. This month I finally think I could the right amount of supplements to take daily too keep me going, but it's still not perfect.

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CURRENTLY

So my current supplements I am taking 3 times a day. Took from April-September 2015

2 Sunflower Letchin (I started taking this early Jan and it super helped Cal being a bit more interested in the breast, maybe helping fatty milk come out easier?)

3 Go Lacta

2 Goats Rue

1 Calcium/Mag supplement 1500/750 a day or a little more. (I finally got my dosing right this last two months and I think it has been really helping)

Fish Oils

I also do mothers milk tea here and there, but I can't do oats as they make me feel super sick.

Right now our feeding and my pumping schedule is. (after midnight) Jan-September 2015

1:30-4am range

Nurses Usually nurses for 12-15 minutes. (trying to wean this down to closer to 4am with sleep training intervals which is proving tricky)

5:30-7:30am range

Nurses for 15-20 minutes (on a good nights sleep this is upon wake, this last week he did the first two times ever, nursed well upon wake, I still feed him in a dark room with sound machine.

8:00-8:30am range

One hour after wake he eats. 1/3-1/2 avocado, rotisserie chicken usually 1/4 cup and prunes and some banana.

9:30-10:30am range

Nurse to sleep before nap 1. 10-12 minutes (This I just have started to do as he has been refusing more and I know the end is near, for months 4-9 I would nurse if he would latch and then rewake and put in crib to sleep train.

PUMP 1 (1-3.5 ounces) I pump during nap 1. Usually 15-30 minutes as it's really hard for me to let down. I yield anywhere from 1 ounce to 3.5 ounces, it's different everyday.

12 or 12:30pm range One hour and a half after wake he eats. 1/3-1/2 avocado, rotisserie chicken usually 1/4 cup and prunes and some banana again and I try to sneak in 1-2 ounces of pumped milk here. He honestly always drinks bottles in sips so hard work.

1:30-2:40pm range

Nurse to sleep for nap 2. 10-12 minutes.

PUMP 2(1-3.5 ounces)

I pump during nap 2. Usually 15-30 minutes as it's really hard for me to let down. I yield anywhere from 1 ounce to 3.5 ounces, it's different everyday.

3:15-4:15 pm range

He wakes and we try to get some ounces in before his next feedings at 4:30pm. Not always successful.
He honestly always drinks bottles in sips.

4:30
Eats 1/3-1/2 avocado, rotisserie chicken usually 1/4 cup and prunes and some banana.

5:00-6:30
We try hard to get him bottles at this time, but he is just not interested, but we still go for it and try to get at least 2-3 ounces here even though it's a full time job. He honestly always drinks bottles in sips.

PUMP 3(1.-3.5 ounces)

I try to pump during somewhere btw 5-6pm. Usually 15-30 minutes as it's really hard for me to let down. I yield anywhere from 1 ounce to 3.5 ounces, it's different everyday.

7:35 Bedtime

Cal is now refusing to nurse no matter what at bedtime. (we have tried cutting out all bottles after last meal) nothing works, he is now drinking anywhere from 3.5-5.5 ounces at bedtime. This is the ONLY time he will sit and drink a bottle in it's entirety and we even have to do some songs to get him to finish the last sips.

PUMP 4(2.-4.5 ounces)
I try to pump during somewhere after bedtime. Usually 15-30 minutes as it's really hard for me to let down. I yield anywhere from 2 ounce to 4.5 ounces, it's different everyday.

He shouldn't eat until 12pm or later, but with some travel and crazy teething and such we will have add a feed here otherwise he screams for hours. This is our constant battle.

PUMP 5 (1.-2.5 ounces)
I try to pump during somewhere around 10pm to meet the amount that he drank. Usually 15-30 minutes as it's really hard for me to let down. I yield anywhere from 1.5-2.5 ounces. it's different everyday.

I honestly can't believe we made it through 8 months of a feeding schedule like this, it feels crazy. Crazy to think that I cut all of the foods out for close to 10 months. Crazy to look back at. While our son started sleeping a bit better once he hit 13 months. Goodness y'all, sometimes babies are just hard! I love you and I am here for you to pray and give you any support or resources I can.

20140728

CAL MICHAEL'S ARRIVAL | BIRTH STORY PART 2

Whew! Sorry for the long in between, this post is being brought to you by coffee (which I never drink) and a couple sugary cheat treats as it's been a tiring week! Rewarding but hoo-wee, I miss that thing called sleep.

We arrived at the hospital right around 10:15/10:30 pm. It was so quiet and I believe I was the only one on the labor and delivery wing, which I was shocked as the hospital had been in defer a bunch in our prior visits. I had a contraction or two in the hallway and what was really helping me was counter pressure in my back at that time, so I would slowly (or maybe faster than I thought) grab Matt's hand and guide him to where on my back he needed to press.

Before we left I changed into my own labor gown (a maternity/nursing dress I got at a garage sale for $3, score!), threw on a pair of yoga pants below and a cardigan. Matt grabbed his backpack and my labor bag, we left my postpartum bag in the car. (I'll have to do a separate post on all the stuff I packed. I really did use most if not all of it, surprisingly)

This image I just love as we were walking into the L&D wing and our nurse, a familiar face was rooming us. Now this is where we don't have a ton of imagery and I am totally ok with that, the room was completely dark and It was Natalie's time to rest, aka pass out and crumple into a chair in the room. She hadn't slept at all, like me, but needed some rest. She was in and out of it helping time my contractions as it gave me motivation to know how soon I would be done or over the hump of one. Karen arrived,and Matt and Karen helped me through each contraction as I was being checked in.

Now Matt and I had made the decision that I would be checked but that I wasn't going to know the "number". Just so that I wouldn't be super discouraged if I wasn't as far as I thought. Well, after 29 hours of labor I WANTED to know. The whole car ride there I was thinking in my head......."I think I am a four. If I am not a four I might just die, but if I am a 6-7 I might be super awesome. But I still think I am a four." So needless to say when they checked me I begged Matt to tell me, as we had told our nurse not to tell me but just him.

He wouldn't. I complained and then just gave up as he told me to just stop and go with the plan. I was a little discouraged as he didn't look "too excited" so I knew that I definitely wasn't farther than 6, cause I know my hubby's reactions. I moved on which is surprising to me, and we continued to labor through the night. Matt decided to get a good hour's rest around 1am while Karen and I were laboring in the room, contractions coming very steadily.

Now we were saving the bath for the "midwives epidural" in other words saving laboring in the tub until I couldn't handle the pain anymore and have the bath push me out longer. Hopefully taking away or taking the hit off the pain. At about 2am I asked Karen and my nurse to start the tub, my brain was just going close to crazy. I was exhausted, spent and just having a hard time with each contraction at that point. I need some relief so into the tub I went.

It was so great to lay back in hot water......until the first contraction hit while I was on my back and I was stuck and it was terrible. I was so surprised as I thought forsure I would love the tub, but after not being able to find a position that worked in the tub, my heart just knew.

I looked at Karen, 32 hours in and said "it's time for an epidural." Now bless y'all you sweet ones, who praised me for having a natural childbirth. I definitely was hoping for one, but I have ABSOLUTELY no regrets on this decision.

At this point, I had no reserves, no energy, no food or sleep for over a day. Even though I didn't know how far dilated I was I KNEW I wasn't in transition and I honestly knew I wouldn't be able to handle that and birthing my baby in the state I was in. 8 hrs of labor, sure I do think I could have pushed through. But it wasn't even an emotional decision at this point. Honestly if felt like a decision of survival for me.

Karen woke up Matt to talk it over, as we did want to try to avoid an epidural if possible. I was tiny bit afraid that he would oppose me, but I was calm as can be in the tub. He woke up and was surprised I wasn't screaming my brains out making the decision. Seeing that I was calm and as sound of mind I could have been at that time, he totally agreed it was time. So around 2:30/45 we asked for epidural.

Before I got out of the tub, I said to Matt I was a 3 or a 4cm when I checked in right? And he looked at me and said, yes you were a 4cm. Funny how we seem to know our bodies right?

I had remembered that I needed to get a full bag of saline in before they could give it to me, which I knew equalled about 30 minutes. Then I was informed the anesthesiologist was on call and needed to be paged in, that was a little discouraging but she did arrive fairly soon.

What I didn't expect is that once you make the decision you want help with the pain, mentally the contractions would get SO MUCH harder. I was asking (maybe loudly asking) TELL ME I CAN DO THIS from my birth team. I just was so ready for some sort of rest. Also, when you are counting SO much on that relief after the decision, so many fears of a epidural that wouldn't work, would not work in one leg or part of my body came up. I started to get emotional and we prayed some more.

When going over all the steps and such the anesthesiologist really stressed to NOT move during a contraction if that is when the needle was put in. So I was as STILL as I could be of course getting a contraction right though it. Matt was there to calm me and help me curl my back as much as I could so that the needle would go in clean.

(I am posting these crazy unflattering photos of me because I want to remember one, how exhausted we were and number two to praise God at how remarkable our bodies are. I had so much water weight on my body, and I am blown away with what even my 3 week postpartum body looks like with nothing but staying at home nursing my baby.)

Praise God I had an amazing epi. I was able to move my legs and some of my hips, but was numb up to the top of my belly. The only unfortunate thing was that I got the shakes REALLY intensely after I got the epidural. So instead of being able to go to sleep right away, it took me about an hour or hour and a half to be on oxygen and just let the shakes ride out. So around 4:30-4:45 am I think I finally fell asleep. They had checked me after the epidural was all in place and working and I was a loose 5. We decided that Karen should head home to get some good sleep as there wasn't a comfortable place for her to rest, and she would be back when I hit about an 8.

They awoke me about an hour later saying contractions had slowed so they wanted to start pitocin. At that point I didn't care much and just asked that we start slow, but I wasn't feeling anything then so it was the next step. We all were sleeping or trying too at least.

At 6:30am, the on call doctor of the weekend came in and checked me and I was a loose 7. Progress. She asked to break my waters as they were bulging and I wasn't really sure but just decided to go for it, to continue to progress. So they broke my water and I felt that warm rush like they described I would. I was excited I actually experienced what it felt like. My waters were clear and she mentioned that my ob was starting his day soon and would stop in and say hi.

I was really in and out during these hours. I am pretty sure Dr. H came in and said hi and that he would be back around 9am to check me again. I might have been sleeping the next couple of hours until he returned and we checked me and I was an 8.5 already! We were super excited and were definitely in the mindset, hey we are going to have a baby by 12:00 or 1pm forsure as I was steadily progressing. So we all got up and got freshened up around 9:30/10:00. I still was shaking when I would sit up to much, but I put in my contacts and was excited to meet this little guy. Super grateful I was out of pain.

My doctor came back around 12:00 or 12:30 and checked me and I was a 9 and 3/4. Meaning I just had a lip of my cervix left. He mentioned he would run back to clinic and wanted to see if that lip would progress on it's own and labor down, as the epidural would really help with that to shorten my pushing time. So we waited some more.

My sweet friend Leah was texting verses and I was trying to keep my heart focused on what was coming. Love Cal's ultrasound picture here.

Now I would say everything from 1pm till I started pushing at 5pm was just unfortunate. No one to blame just unlucky things that made this part of my labor really challenging. So know, I loved my birth experience even though it was impossible at times, I am just relating facts from what I remember that happened.

Around 2pm I started to feel pressure in my bum. I felt like I wanted to push, yet I was scared. I was scared to start pushing without my doctor there. I couldn't comprehend that it would the normal first time mom least an hour to push a baby out. I literally felt like he would come out in 3 pushes. He just felt so low and pressure was getting more intense. So here my doula and Natalie wanted me to start pushing yet I was afraid that they would make me stop pushing to wait for the doctor....( I had a friend who's nurses held the baby in till the doctor came) and even though I expressed my fears and the nurses promised they would NEVER do that, I just wanted to start with everyone there. So I tried not to push, which didn't work too well. I kept asking for them to get my doctor and the paged him multiple times but he wasn't responding (which is so not like him). Then around 3ish or 3:30ish I spiked a fever, and combined with the babies heartbeat that had been crazy high at times, they were nervous about infection so they made the decision that I had to wait to push a bag of antibiotics for the health of the baby before I could start pushing. So again, we waited. More unlucky things happened, like the antibiotics taking forever to get to me (like it got lost or something).

What I didn't understand because I was so beyond myself then, was that my doctor would have come if I would have started pushing earlier. Then the unlucky infection started and I was just confused at why my doctor wasn't there yet. I wasn't too aware that all that was going on was normal. I felt like I was being ignored, but again. There was ALOT going on that I just couldn't process at that time.

So, needless to say. I was yet again emotionally spent. We had mentally thought that the baby would be here by now and we were in the 40+ hours here and my body just felt like it wanted the baby out. I felt like I was going to throw up, had a headache and just wanted to eat something to help with the nausea and I hadn't eaten anything since Saturday 6am ish (can't eat anything but ice chips when you get an epidural) and now it was Monday at 4pm. I cried, "I just want a banana...." to one of my nurses and the sweet girl let me have a banana. I took a bite of a banana and then continued to just cry and get really upset.

So it was time for some verses and some prayer. We all prayed out loud. I cried out to the Lord to have this happen soon. To give me strength, to not get the shakes again, so many things. That I was so weak and needed Him. I needed Jesus so much here. Matt again was reading me verses, ever so slowly and gently and Karen and Nat either holding my hand or giving my forehead pressure. It was so hard at this time. I was so done, my body new it was time. These images really hit my heart.

I did feel more calm and peaceful after the prayer. Then by God's grace it was time to push! Also around this time I started to feel incredibly out of my body, I honestly felt like I was high or drunk but I didn't have anything extra in my IV. I really think it was my body starting to shut down and prepare to do what it had to do, on little to nothing left.

They checked me one last time before pushing. I was still that 9 and 3/4. My doctor pushed that lip back in one of my pushes. I'd have to say pushing was the hardest thing I have ever done. I definitely felt everything at least I think. I completely thought I might not make it through.

I needed to be on oxygen in between each contraction/push. I had a lot of coaching at the beginning and I guess according to my birth team I figured out where to push quickly as I asked for a nurse or my doc to press or add pressure where I needed to bear down. It helped a ton.

Every contraction we had 3 pushes. Man was this way more intense than I thought it would be with an epidural. I thought I would just feel pressure, but I felt everything. I thought I was going to die multiple times. I was pretty direct with my words here. Probably a little scary at the time. So who knows, many of my friends that have had epidurals said they didn't feel much of anything during pushing. It does make me feel nervous and doubt that I would never be able to birth a child naturally as I couldn't imagine the pushing being much worse. But Maybe my epidural was out by then? I do remember my iv feeling like it was pulling out of my wrist when I was trying to grab my legs to push. Something I will follow up at my 6 week appointment.

This image was the one place that I grabbed Matt's neck almost choking him during one of the last pushes. I realized quickly where my hand was and let go...

Another surprising part for me is that I kept my eyes COMPLETELY shut during every moment of pushing. I just had to stay within. I could hear everyone and was communicating, but I just couldn't look down. Everyone was asking and telling me to look. Again, I just couldn't. Not because I was grossed out to look, but I was SO afraid that he wouldn't be as far out as he felt. Does that make sense? I felt like if I looked down and saw his head any less out, than it felt like I literally would have quit right there and said cut him out. It was that intense for me.

He finally was only a push away and I remember that AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING feeling of having his body fully out. I was done. I feel a little guilt here as I was much more relieved to have the process of labor to be finished, I feel like I barely noticed our baby at first. Ugh. But I suppose that was a natural reaction to my body being under such stress for so long. I pushed our little man out in a little less than an hour.

Then I finally did open my eyes, and Matt said I kept saying "Baby" "Baby".... I am so grateful to have these images as honestly y'all I was so incredibly out of it I don't remember much of anything.

Now I will just flood you with images and you will get the rest................................................................

These two images above are my favorite of me and Mr. brand new Cal.

There is a whole bunch that happened after I pushed our baby out (infection, iv's, no sleep, the list goes on) that I really do feel like I want to share that experience of our first two weeks as well as the extent of our hospital stay, as we read "birth" stories and really don't necessarily have an idea of the days or weeks that follow. I really do feel like week 1-2 are part of the story as well. Ours were really hard and rough and boy if I would have read someone else's experience after birth I might have not felt impossible or not normal. And to also give you my thoughts on what was essential for the first two weeks and what worked for us. So part 3 will come sometime soon.

But for now at the end of this post I just want to PRAISE GOD. GREAT IS THY FAITHFULNESS!!!! Like this image that Natalie took the night of Cal's birth, God is good all the time. HE IS THERE THROUGH the darkness. His Light will shine through. Thank you Jesus for this precious gift of a son.

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